I used to live in an apartment that had the washer and dryer in this utility closet that was right next to the kitchen. The closet had these two doors that opened outwards, and I'd usually leave one – or sometimes both – open.
The way the apartment was shaped, it made sense to keep my trash can in there. Pretty standard type of thing, right?
Well this one morning I wake up and am making breakfast, totally minding my own business. I, like a lot of people, have some mild allergies that like to flare up right after I've awakened from my nightly slumber.
I'm frying up this egg, mentally planning my day, and I have to sneeze. I had enough time pre-sneeze that I grabbed a paper towel and caught it. Gotta stay clean, fam.
I head into the little closet where my trash can is to toss the paper towel. As my body is half-in and half-out, I get the urge to sneeze again. The paper towels were positioned on the counter behind one of these half doors that was open. I head over to try and grab one, but the sneeze beat me to the punch and then I felt like I got punched.
You see, this was no ordinary sneeze. This was the greatest sneeze any human being has ever sneezed. The force and momentum of the sneeze rocked me so far forward that, since I was literally facing the half door while trying to get the paper towel, my head slammed into the door.
The pain was insane. And then there was blood! Everywhere! I ran to the bathroom to get some tissue paper (even though the paper towels were in front of me… the pain clouded my logic) and tried to control everything. After collecting myself, still in pain, I noticed that I'd left a trickle of blood along the carpet where I'd ran and that it was all over my shirt (which was conveniently white).
I took off my shirt and immediately soaked it in an attempt to salvage it. Then I got some carpet cleaner out and had to scrub the carpet before the blood set. As I was on my knees scrubbing, still in massive pain and now shirtless, I thought… How did everything get so bad so quickly?
That's what last Thursday night was like for the Dallas Cowboys. Everything went dark and was pain-filled in the blink of an eye. It's time to get ourselves together and scrub the carpet. We begin that journey with a preseason contest against the Houston Texans. Sometimes that trip is unnecessarily bold like that morning for me, but in time all heals and everything lines up the way it's supposed to.
Welcome to my 5 Bold Predictions. Let's roll.
Andy Jones Will Catch Two Touchdowns
It's a bit of an annual tradition for Cowboys Nation to fall in love with undrafted wide receivers, Andy fits that profile perfectly.
Jones hasn't exactly had a stellar preseason, and he's very unlikely to make this team's roster; however, he has one last shot to prove his worth to other NFL teams. Considering that Dez Bryant, Cole Beasley, Terrance Williams, and Brice Butler won't play much if at all… Andy is going to be a target monster tonight.
Andy will hit the paint twice. That's dos. #Vamonos.
The Brandon Weeden We Know Will Show Up… In Spectacular Fashion
I'm sure that Brandon Weeden is a nice person. He seems like the kind of guy who greets his dog when he first walks in his house, gives him a nice belly rub, and goes about his business.
You need no reminder about how belly-up Brandon Weeden's 2015 season in Dallas was. Deplorable would be putting it kindly.
destroying leaving the Cowboys, Brandon Weeden joined the only team that made more sense for him than the Cleveland Browns – the Houston Texans. A new uniform can't fool us though, Cowboys Nation. We know the real Brandon. And we'll see him in all his perpetual clumsiness tonight, something to the tune of five interceptions perhaps.
The Zeke/Dak Meme Will Make An Appearance
Near the end of last week's preseason contest in Seattle a funny little photo started circulating around the internet thanks to CBS Dallas.
I like to fancy myself a pretty creative guy (I did write a whole bunch of words up top about how I took it in the face by a door…) and I don't think there's a finite number of captions that I could come up with for this masterpiece.
A lot of things can be said about Zeke and Dak, including that they're the future of America's Team. You can count on the notion that the game's broadcasters are going to try to say something of their own about this bad boy.
The Ralph Neely Governor's Cup Story Will Be Told
During my Countdown To Kickoff series last summer I profiled the greatest Dallas Cowboys to wear each and every jersey number. While Larry Allen obviously took home #73, that day allowed me to tell the story of Ralph Neely.
When the NFL and AFL were still competing leagues in the 1960s they'd often draft the same player – Ralph Neely was one of these double selections. He initially signed with the AFL's Houston Oilers, but when his NFL rights were traded from the Baltimore Colts to the Dallas Cowboys he decided he wanted to put a Star on his helmet.
Upon the 1966 NFL-AFL Merger the Oilers demanded compensation from the Cowboys for Neely's rights, considering he'd signed a contract with them. The Cowboys agreed to send Houston a 1st, 2nd, and two 5th round picks in the 1967 collective NFL Draft… and to play them in the preseason. This is how the Governor's Cup was born.
You can count on the game crew to tell this story, but you're smart and read Inside The Star so you knew it first. Hey-o!
Jameill Showers Will Make The Final 53-Man Roster
A lot of people believe that this game will go a long way in determining Jameill Shower's future as a member of the Dallas Cowboys.
I don't necessarily disagree with that, but I think that Jameill's roster spot became secured the moment Tony Romo was writhing in pain on the turf in Seattle.
The only two capable quarterbacks on this planet who have experience in the 2016 Dallas Cowboys offense are literally Dak Prescott and Jameill Showers. There is no way on such a planet that the Cowboys roll into a season with such high aspirations without that security.
Jameill will have himself a nice little game here, too. He just doesn't need to. Leggo.