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How Chris Cooley could have actually been funny…



What does Broke Back Mountain and Dallas have in common?

They both have Cowboy's that suck!

When I was told this joke I laughed until I damn-near cried.  While an obvious affront to my beloved Cowboy's, I couldn't help but think that joke was hilarious; especially considering I was told this joke shortly after the final game of the 2008 season.  While I realize some of you reading this right now might not think this is all that funny, I relate this to you just to show that despite my dedication to the Cowboy's, I do have a sense of humor.

But last night as I watched the infamous Chris Cooley mocking of Jason Witten and Tony Romo video for the first time, not only did I not think it was funny, but I was embarrassed; and not for Tony or Jason, but for Cooley and whom every wisely disguised himself as he attempted to portray Romo.   I seriously would be reluctant to show my face in public, where I to be a part of something so unbelievably not funny.  And I can certainly see why Romo or Witten wouldn't in the least bit be upset by this feeble attempt at comedy.  There is an old wise adage that warns to be careful of arguing with idiots, as bystanders may not be able to tell whose more of an idiot:  the guy who is obviously the idiot, or the semi-intelligent guy trying to debate with an idiot.  So please don't be one of those Cowboy fan's who feels you must voice or tweet or text or write to express your disgust of Cooley.  If anything, you should pity him.

You see, what Cooley and company don't seem to understand is there is actually a formula that must be adhered to in order to make something funny.  Not that I'd ever agree to do anything like this, but for argument sake in the following I'm going to assume the role as director for the revised version of said skit and see if I, a Cowboy fan, can actually turn that train-wreck Cooley calls comedy into something actually worthy of national attention.

First, the voice-impersonation done by Cooley.  Atrocious.  And the sad thing is, it's not really that hard to do Witten.  Witten kind of sounds like Dauber Dybinski from the 1980-1990 sitcom Coach.  Not a difficult voice to, at least, mimic.  Perhaps Cooley could have even thrown in a reference to the movie adaptation of The Stand by Steven King, and have Witten say "M-O-O-N spells Romo!"  It needs work, but you get the idea.

Next, his look.  A real simple site gag would be to take a piece of tape and try and create a cleft on his upper lip.  Yeah, I know, not a very classy thing to do, but again, if the video is going to be offensive anyway and your audience are Redskin fans, there are few lines not worthy of crossing.  He could have also, at least, done something more to create the likeness of Witten, but perhaps I'm asking a little much there.

Now on to the dialogue and plot.  In Cooley's version, Witten can't seem to catch the balls thrown by Romo.  Were this even remotely an issue in real life, perhaps I could see the humor in it.  In fact, had Cooley portrayed T.O. instead of Witten, I might have even chuckled a little, since T.O. is known for having a case of the dropsy's.

No, if you are going to make fun of Witten, you clearly would have to go big and maybe even suggest that Romo and Witten's relationship extends beyond just friendship.  Perhaps they could be writing up there own plays in bed, writing X's and O's on the sheet's.  Perhaps Witten could make reference to Jessica finally being out of the way so there love can blossom.  Again, I know, very offensive and probably not remotely funny to those reading this right now, but this is not about me wanting to make fun of my team.  This is about me trying to school an idiot on how to be funny, just for future reference.

The masked crusader who attempted to do Romo, should at some point in the video get a hang-nail on his throwing hand and say he needs to recoup for two or three game's, while he recovers from his injury.  Furthermore, he need not be such a wuss, if he actually thinks he's funny and try doing this video minus the mask.  I mean, how does that make sense?  What is it referencing to?  That is a big part of the comedic formula.  People need to be able to relate in order to get the joke.

I read through the comment's made on Cooley's website and there were actually people who thought this video was hilarious.  See, I personally would likely never admit that I have actually sat through the movie Idiocracy, even if for the lack of anything better being on TV, but having seen it, seeing these comment's scared the hell out of me for my 6 month old son.  I mean, am I that guy, who merely by procreating messed up the curve for all the stupid people breeding.  Couldn't the world recognize now a potential issue and force Cooley to have a vasectomy?

Given that he actually submitted the video for the entire nation to see, one could surmise he is in the early stages of devolution (or backward evolution).  I'm not saying women should worry about his courting ritual involving him hitting them over the head with a club and dragging them back to his cave, but were I woman, I would be worried about any children who call Cooley daddy adopting this mating-method.  And for those of you who might be married or related to someone who actually thought this was funny, you might want to visit a specialist and quickly get yourself checked out.  I'm not sure if it's contagious, but if reading is starting to become a chore, simple math is not so simple, and your motor skills are becoming limited you are displaying the early signs of stupidity.  If you are one of those who actually found Cooley's video funny, it's too late.

I am 35, married and a father of 2 boys. I have been a Cowboys fan since Jimmy Johnson took over; not because I had anything against Tom Landry, but because it just so happens I was old enough to start following and understanding football right as that new era began. Since then, I haven't missed games if I could help it.

  • bags030404

    I am glad you wrote this piece, you are much nicer than I. Chris Cooley is a Douche! and could not hold the towel that Witten uses to wipe the sweat from his, well you get the point! Chris has done nothing make things difficult on his teammates, just a little extra incentive for Romo and Witten this year!

  • Jonathan

    Someone had to say something.

    • bags030404

      I have started writing on this subject three different times! Lets just say you are much better at talking smack the PC way than I!

  • Jonathan

    If you thank I’m good, you should check out Hostile at the following link: Classic Hostile.

  • James


    • bags030404

      Hey look our first illiterate Redskin Fan!

Dallas Cowboys

Terrance Williams Contract Creates 2018 Job Security

Jess Haynie



Cowboys Headlines - Breaking Down Terrance Williams' Game-Ending Decision 1
Louis DeLuca/Dallas Morning News

There's been a lot of talk about what the Dallas Cowboys will do at the receiver position this offseason. While there's a great divide on what the team should do with Dez Bryant, there's a fairly unanimous opinion that Dallas should find an upgrade over Terrance Williams. No matter where he ends up on the depth chart, though, Williams' contract should keep him on the roster in 2018.

Last offseason, Terrance signed a four-year, $17 million deal to stay in Dallas. Because we are now just in the second year of that deal, it is cost prohibitive against the salary cap to release or trade him.

Williams is scheduled to count $4.75 million against the 2018 cap. If Dallas were to cut him, it would accelerate his remaining guaranteed money and create $7.25 million in dead money this year. He would cost more against the cap off the roster than on it.

Even the June-1st provision doesn't help. Williams' dead money in 2018 drops to $4.75 million, which is a net zero against his existing cap hit. It would also push $2.5 million of dead money to 2019. There's no benefit there, and you lose an experienced player who knows your system.

Did Terrance Williams' Big Game Quiet His Doubters?

Dallas Cowboys WR Terrance Williams

If the Cowboys do like their WR depth enough to want to move on from Terrance, one option is to try to trade him. A trade would lower the cap penalty to $3.75 million and save $1 million. If he's traded after June 1st, it would save $3.5 million against this year's cap.

Of course, it takes two to tango in this scenario. Williams hasn't scored a touchdown since 2016 and has never proven he can take on a significant role in an offense. He was serviceable when Dez Bryant and Jason Witten commanded more attention, but he's a low-end WR2 at best and many teams likely wouldn't want him in their top 2-3 receivers.

Perhaps something could happen during training camps or preseason, when injuries may make other teams desperate. Then again, something could happen in Dallas that makes them less willing to part with Terrance.

As it stands, it seems unlikely that Terrance Williams won't be a Cowboy in 2018. And really, that's not bad thing.

Even if he gets pushed down the depth chart, Terrance would be a good insurance policy against injuries or any other issues that could happen between now and September. $4.75 million is more than you'd like to pay your fourth WR but it's a one-year problem.

If the Cowboys do add more WR talent this offseason, there is a trickle-down effect that strengthens the entire club. Williams, with his experience, is an upgrade over Brice Butler as the fourth receiver.

Therefore, unless circumstances both here and elsewhere allow Dallas to find a trade partner, Terrance Williams should be back next year.

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Player News

Cowboys Trade for FB Jamize Olawale from Raiders

Jess Haynie



Jamize Olawale, Raiders

Less than a week after the Cowboys lost fullback Keith Smith to the Raiders in free agency, the two teams have worked out a trade to send FB Jamize Olawale from Oakland to Dallas.

Ian Rapoport on Twitter

Fullback trade! The #Raiders are sending FB Jamize Olawale to the #Cowboys, sources say. Dallas has its fullback, one who was with Oakland since 2012.

To facilitate the trade, the Cowboys will send their fifth-round pick (173rd overall) to the Raiders for their sixth-round pick (192nd), moving back just 19 spots.

In return, Dallas not only brings in a veteran replacement at FB but a player they already know.

Jamize Olawale was an undrafted rookie free agent of the Cowboys in 2012. Despite a strong showing in that preseason, Dallas did not have room for him on the roster. He was on the team's practice squad until December, when Oakland poached him.

Since then, Olawale has been a regular roleplayer in the Raiders' offense. He's missed just six games since 2013.

Jamize brings more offensive firepower to the FB position than Keith Smith had. He's scored at least one touchdown in each of the last three seasons. He can be effective both running and receiving.

Through the trade, Dallas picks up the final year of Olawale's current contract. It calls for a $1.5 million base salary in 2018.

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Player News

Dallas Cowboys to Re-Sign Long Snapper L.P. Ladouceur for 2018

Sean Martin



Dallas Cowboys to Re-Sign Long Snapper L.P. Ladoucer for 2018 1

Continuity is the key to good special teams play in the NFL. Already losing long-time Special Teams Coordinator Rich Bisaccia to the Raiders - who promptly snatched ST aces Keith Smith and Kyle Wilber in free agency - the Dallas Cowboys have announced their intentions to re-sign Long Snapper L.P. Ladouceur for the 2018 season.

Returning on a one-year deal, the fan favorite Ladouceur will be back to do what he does best in cleanly executing almost every special teams snap for Chris Jones or Dan Bailey to handle.

Todd Archer on Twitter

Long snapper L.P. Ladouceur will re-sign with the Cowboys on Monday, according to sources, on a one-year deal. He will be in his 14th season with the franchise. Only Jason Witten, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, Bill Bates and Mark Tuinei will have more years of...

While Jones has improved as the Cowboys' punter with each passing season, Kicker Dan Bailey actually enters 2018 as another question mark on this unit. With the general belief around the team being that Bailey will be just fine moving forward, the Cowboys will no longer have to worry about who handles long snaps next year either.

Dallas Cowboys to Re-Sign Long Snapper L.P. Ladoucer for 2018

Dallas Cowboys LS L.P. Ladouceur

L.P. Ladouceur is back in the silver and blue, and in this moment, everything can be alright with the world.

Tell us what you think about "Dallas Cowboys to Re-Sign Long Snapper L.P. Ladouceur for 2018" in the comments below. You can also email me at, or Tweet to me at @SeanMartinNFL!

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