Keepin’ Up With the Jones’: Predicting a very predictable introductory press conference

The Dallas Cowboys lengthy and exhaustive (insert eye roll here) head coach search finally came to an end late Friday night when the news dropped that Jerry Jones finally chose the successor to the departed Mike McCarthy: OC Brian Schottenheimer.

Fans don’t like it. Analysts don’t like it. Big media is eating it up, featuring the Cowboys at the top of the hour of each of their shows, despite there being two conference championships on television this past weekend.

Hiring Brian Schottenheimer is such a typical move from Jerry Jones. It’s a safe pick because he has little to no leverage to negotiate. Basically, they offered him the job with the stipulation that they (Jerry and Stephen Jones) be heavily involved in decision-making that head coaches of other teams usually make alone.

Honestly, though. Can we blame Schottenheimer? Of course he took the job! Who wouldn’t? Even if he does a terrible job, he can say he was once head coach of the most valuable sports franchise in the world.

Schottenheimer’s introductory press conference is scheduled for 11am CST at The Star in Frisco on Monday morning, and it will probably have more media coverage than the Philadelphia Eagles reaching their second Super Bowl in a span of three seasons.

One thing is for certain, Jerry Jones will place himself in the spotlight of the press conference tomorrow. Another thing is for certain: he will have the same predictable answers to questions as he always does with that Southern charm.

Today, I want to predict the questions that Jerry will be asked, and answer those questions with the flare and deflection that only Jerry can.

What do you say to those who say there were candidates more qualified than Brian Schottenheimer?

“Well, I’d say to those people that being qualified is a matter of opinion. Brian has been coaching in this league since 1997, and has been around the NFL game quite a bit longer than that. I’d have a dog in the fight should I have to go toe to toe with anyone to determine whether Brian is qualified enough to coach the Dallas Cowboys. Bottom line is, he is qualified enough for us, and that’s why he’s sitting here today.”

Schottenheimer has been an assistant coach in the NFL since 1997, but has never risen above the level of coordinator. He also has never been considered a hot commodity on the coaching market, maximizing his value in a three-season stretch with Seattle from 2018-2020.

Fans are most angry because there weren’t even calls placed to two of the hottest coaches in the head coaching circle this offseason: Detroit’s Ben Johnson and Aaron Glenn.

How do you justify bringing back your offensive coordinator as head coach when the offense ranked 16th in yards per game?

“When you look at these things, you can’t look at them through a microscope. We like to evaluate the entire canvas, and in the broad spectrum of our analysis of the 2024 season, Schottenheimer did a lot of good things for us. Plus, Dak Prescott endorsed him for head coach, and when your franchise quarterback thumbs up the move, you must be doing something right.”

The Cowboys’ offense rarely looked in sync after a fairly good performance in a week 1 victory in Cleveland. We all assumed the entire coaching staff would be purged after McCarthy left, but little did we know the next head coach was on staff.

Normally, coordinators are promoted to head coach when the unit they coordinate is a dominant one, not when their unit struggled for most of the season.

How did Schottenheimer convince you he was the best choice to lead the Dallas Cowboys?

“Well, he didn’t have to do much convincing. Remember we have had him in the building for a few years now, and the things he has already done for this team were convincing enough. He has helped develop Dak into one of the better quarterbacks in this league, and their relationship was definitely a consideration in our decision. In addition, his daddy was one hell of a coach, and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Believe me.”

In reality, Schottenheimer didn’t do anything special to earn the job. He just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

There will definitely be more questions asked. This press conference could go on for at least a couple of hours, but I’m sure we will hear much of the Jerry speak we are used to.