Will Brinson over at CBSSports.com has come up with the perfect first-round mock draft. I've decided to close out this week of mocking the mock drafts with it. His picks were made to irritate that team's fan base the most.
It's delightfully evil, which of course means, I love it! I'll include his picks, then add a note on why I agree, or who I'd pick instead.
Let's dive in:
Pick 1: Carolina: Will Levis QB, Kentucky
Will: Panthers fans have locked into either Young or Stroud … so let's throw them for a loop.
Me: I love it. Even better would be to take UCLA's Dorian Thompson-Robinson and make him the starter.
Pick 2: Houston: C.J. Stroud QB, Ohio State
Will: Bryce Young fell in the Texans lap … and they still took C.J. Stroud! Texans fans will be furious over this.
Me: Seriously, I can't think of anything more Houston Texans than this.
But We Don't Need One Of Those
Pick 3: Arizona: Bryce Young QB, Alabama
Will: “The Cardinals can't take a quarterback!” Cardinals fans continue to scream, completely ignoring the fact the Cardinals drafted Kyler Murray when they already had a quarterback.
Me: I can't argue with his logic on this one. And Cardinals fans wonder why they haven't won a Super Bowl…
Pick 4: Indianapolis: Will Anderson Jr. EDGE, Alabama
Will: This pick is specifically designed to make Jim Irsay angry. Drafting a pass rusher when a QB is sitting right there might get Chris Ballard fired on the spot.
Me: What would make this perfect is for Ballard to telling Irsay they were bringing Carson Wentz back.
Pick 5: Seattle: Bijan Robinson RB, Texas
Will: DO IT PETE CARROLL. DO IT. YOUR RUN GAME STRUGGLED. GENO IS LOCKED. DOOOOOOO ITTTTTTTT.
Me: Actually, this pick would irritate me. I want Robinson in Dallas next year, dangit!!!!!
Pick 6: Detroit: Peter Skoronski OT, Northwestern
Will: The Lions have invested heavily in the offensive line in recent years so this would be a pretty big shock!
Me: Especially with so many holes on defense they have to fill.
Pick 7: Las Vegas: Anthony Richardson QB, Florida
Will: Maybe Raiders fans would like this? Richardson sitting behind Jimmy G for a year and then taking over would be fun.
Me: The Ghost of JaMarcus Russell has entered the chat…
Pick 8: Atlanta: Jalen Carter DL, Georgia
Will: Surely someone is going to be mad about their team taking Carter in the top 10, why not the Falcons, who have more pressing needs on the defensive side of the ball. Plus it will make Bears fans mad!
Me: As bad as the Falcons are right now, I don't know if any pick would make their fanbase mad.
Pick 9: Chicago: Jordan Addison WR, USC
Will: How could Bears fans possibly be upset at Ryan Poles for getting Justin Fields help?! This feels like a good start to that…
Me: Sends note to Will: We're supposed to be making the fanbase mad, remember…
Pick 10: Philadelphia: Dalton Kincaid TE, Utah
Will: It's hard to find something that would make Eagles fans mad short of Howie Roseman drafting another wide receiver here.
Me: Oh, please, oh, please, do this, Philly! I will make a killing on popcorn sales to all non-Eagles fans who'd be enjoying the meltdown.
Pick 11: Tennessee: Tyree Wilson EDGE, Texas Tech
Will: GREAT VALUE! But Titans fans would be pretty miffed at going defense instead of OL or WR.
Me: He's not wrong.
Pick 12: Houston: Jaxon Smith-Njigba WR, Ohio State
Will: The old “pair the QB with his college receiver even though you brought in like four pass catchers this offseason” move never fails!
Me: It's really not that bad of an idea though, Will.
Pick 13: Green Bay (via mock trade with Jets): Lukas Van Ness EDGE, Iowa
Will: OH YEAH JETS FANS … you gave up a first round pick for Aaron Rodgers. Feeling good? Packers fans you cool with a three-name pass rusher from Iowa? Cool, cool, cool.
Me: Even better would be for the Packers to take Quentin Johnson, WR, TCU here and infuriate Rodgers, who begged for a first round wide out for years. Speaking of Horned Frog receivers…
Pick 14: New England: Quentin Johnston WR, TCU
Will: Nothing would excite Patriots fans more than Bill Belichick drafting a wideout in the first round.
Me: Bill should trade all of his 2023 picks to the Titans for Derrick Henry and go out like Mike Ditka did with the Saints.
Aaron Can't Catch A Break
Pick 15: NY Jets (mock Trade from Green Bay): Christian Gonzalez CB, Oregon
Will: JUST KIDDING IT WAS A SWAP OF FIRST-ROUND PICKS. Now everyone is mad for a whole host of different reasons!
Me: Rodgers would blow a gasket. Another team that refuses to draft him someone who can catch a pass.
Pick 16: Washington: Nolan Smith EDGE, Georgia
Will: Under no circumstances will Daniel Snyder allow his young quarterback to be helped, no sir, not as he's in the middle of selling the team.
Me: With them celebrating Snyder being on his way out, I doubt there's any pick that would make their fanbase angry.
Pick 17: Pittsburgh: Joey Porter Jr. CB, Penn State
Will: Maybe this is a miss, but I like the idea of Pittsburgh drafting SOLELY based on JPJ's dad playing for them.
Me: A little nepotism is a good thing. Look how well it's been working out the last six years at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in D.C. #amirite (It's a joke people don't @ me…)
Don't Get Defensive
Pick 18: Detroit: Michael Mayer TE, Notre Dame
Will: The Lions do actually need help at tight end but not drafting any defensive help in the first round with two picks might cause a bit of an uproar.
Me: This happens and Lions fans will forever give up on ever getting to the Super Bowl.
Pick 19: Tampa Bay: Darnell Wright OT, Tennessee
Will: It was hard to find someone that wouldn't help the Bucs, but drafting a tackle prospect who is likely going to play the right side would be fairly amusing maybe?
Me: The upside to being this bad, no matter who your team picks, they're going to help.
Pick 20: Seattle: Josh Downs WR, North Carolina
Will: The Seahawks DO need wide receiver help. Still, this first round would perplex many.
Me: It would me, that's for sure.
Pick 21: LA Chargers: Jahmyr Gibbs RB, Alabama
Will: Given the issues with Austin Ekeler, the Chargers need to figure out the RB situation, but this would likely anger some fans.
Me: Probably need to go o-line here, so yeah they'd be annoyed.
Quoth The Ravens…
Pick 22: Baltimore: Paris Johnson Jr. OT, Ohio State
Will: The Ravens have big needs elsewhere but decide to shore up the offensive line some more…
Me: At least we'll know if they think they can retain Lamar Jackson if they don't grab a quarterback here.
Pick 23: Minnesota: Zay Flowers WR, Boston College
Will: Maybe Vikings fans would like another receiver? Feels like weapons on offense isn't their biggest concern right now after last year's defensive performance though.
Me: Any pick not from the defensive side of the ball will not be well received in Minnesota.
Pick 24: Jacksonville: Broderick Jones OT, Georgia
Will: This feels like a luxury pick.
Me: They really do need to shore up that line.
Pick 25: NY Giants: Myles Murphy DL, Clemson
Will: MOAR PASS RUSH.
Me: In the Giants' defense, keeping the other team off the scoreboard might be their only hope.
Don't Give Jerry Any Ideas
Pick 26: Dallas: Darnell Washington TE, Georgia
Will: It gets much harder to troll teams when you move further down the board but an in-line tight end for the Cowboys fits Mike McCarthy nicely!
Me: Seriously? This happens and the entire Jones family will have to flee to Argentina to escape the wrath of the fanbase.
Pick 27: Buffalo: Deonte Banks CB, Maryland
Will: I've given the Bills a corner before and it managed to make their fans mad so let's go back to the well here.
Me: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
Pick 28: Cincinnati: Jalin Hyatt WR, Tennessee
Will: A wide receiver for the Bengals? IN THIS ECONOMY?
Me: Laughs in Patrick Mahomes…
Pick 29: New Orleans: Brian Branch S, Alabama
Will: I'm not sure if this is actually trolling Saints fans but please be aware that I put no effort into this pick if you're not mad about it.
Me: It's hard to troll a team as bad as the Saints were last year.
The Final Three
Pick 30: Philadelphia: Bryan Bresee DL
Will: Again, Philly is kind of tough to troll because the roster is in such good shape with the veterans coming back.
Me: Uh, Will, did you notice how many starters they lost on defense in the off-season?
Pick 31: Kansas City: Drew Sanders LB, Arkansas
Will: Really should have gone running back here to make Chiefs fans mad but hopefully this will do.
Me: Works for me.
Pick 32: Miami:
Me: Oh, wait, the Dolphins got busted for tampering and don't have a first round pick this year. Sorry, Fins Fans, not sorry.